Dear Mr Blatter

Emma and I recently demeaned ourselves by writing a letter begging an Irish building contractor to sell us his recently remodeled home for more money than most people will earn in several lifetimes. Having failed to secure the property, I felt thoroughly cheated and resolved never to throw myself upon the mercy of someone who - like me in his position - wouldn't care about anything but the cash anyway. Then, what do you know, I got this email from FIFA about 30 minutes ago...

Your application is currently being transmitted to the 2006 FIFA World Cup™ Ticketing Center. You will receive an e-mail confirming the status of your application within the next 48 hours.

...and so naturally I thought it was time to beg and pray and hope again, so here's my letter to head of FIFA, Mr Sepp Blatter.

Dear Mr Blatter,

Emma and I would REALLY like some World Cup tickets. I know you know this already, because this is the third time I have applied. However, I wanted to appeal to you personally, as I dare say you'd like that sort of thing.

Anyway, the first time (Japan 2002) I applied, I was successful, but now that the tournament is being hosted in a country full of football fans, I seem to be having a bit more trouble.

If you can see your way clear to getting us the tickets we've asked for, I'll naturally pay you back (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) in the manner that officials of FIFA are used, unless of course, you've gone clean now, in which case, we'll consider the matter closed.

If we can get into those seven games listed in my application, I'll even forgive the fact that despite being born in Switzerland you support Real Madrid. I mean there's nothing wrong with Real Madrid per se, but what about Grasshoppers of Zurich? Aren't they a bit closer to home?

Anyway, we're straying off the point. I just wanted to mention that I've never been a hooligan, nor have I done anything much illegal inside a stadium, except possibly  smuggling my zoom lens into that match at that multicolored stadium in Portugal (now where was that?) but I don't think that counts because I never sold the pictures or anything. So, there you go, I'm the model football fan. So, go on, givvus some tickets!!!

Lots of love,

David and Emma.

Comments

[ian]

That was Aveiro. The Venice of Portugal.

[Anu]

Don't bother David/Emma....

And I quote:

Reasons To Stay Home
"They are a little too much the perfectionists. We still haven’t found the optimal solution. If everyone has to show their papers, it will take four hours before spectators are in the stadium." – FIFA president Sepp Blatter on Germany’s proposed ticket control procedures

[David McCulloch]

The Germans, methodical? Whatever next?

[Kevin Keegan]

Wot's it like to go watch Jolly England go down in the first round? Painful, unless you've had about ten rounds under your belt before you even get to Old Trafford, Hannover, Stuttgart or wotevah pitch they're bleedin' losing on, wot?

Buncha' lazy sods from Chelsea and Birmingham bollocking off on the pitch. Should combine the sport with cricket (e.g., Lacrosse) so the fans get some real action and bloodshed.

Difference between a Yank event and a Brit one: At a Yank event, the food/Pint vendor in the stands can pass the item down the row, the buyer politely passes down the Quid, and then the change gets passed back. In the former world power, the food or beverage will never reach you and the bloody Quid will disappear on the way to the vendor!

Me letter to the Soccer Bloke:
We really don't give a rat's arse whether you sell us tickets, but I'm sure the local merchants will because we're bringin' a pot of Quid from the States and intend to spend it freely in Germany.

Unlike the hooligans from our country, we promise to only fight, bite, scratch and kick German fans if they make fun of our rotten automobiles.

And just to make it interesting, me "crumpet," Emma, says she's gonna bloody shave her head like Sinead O'Connor if the Irish or Germans beat the Brits. That should be worth a couple ducats.

If you don't want to sell 'em to us, stuff it and bollock-off two times. We'll stay home and watch reruns of Fantasy Island -- which is the only place where England could actually win the Cup -- and check out the results on the Beeb.

Cheerio,

David and Emma Peel